Fine as a Frog's Hair

Frog Image from The Graphics Fairy

I’m grumpy before a winter’s dawn. Grumpy and cold, so I pull into the parking lot of a convenience store for coffee.

I enter to see the dour expression of the sales clerk and reflect it back to him.  Sam is emblazoned in black letters across his nametag, and he asks in monotone, by rote, “How are you, today?”

Just as automatic is my static reply. “Fine as a frog’s hair split three ways.”

Sam’s ice eyes gain lucidity as he seems to shake himself from a dream.  He looks at me, registers my face. “What did you say?” he asks.

I repeat, “Fine as a frog’s hair split three ways.”

Suddenly, his eyes crinkle around the edges as he smiles, then guffaws laughter.

“I ain’t never heard that before,” he laughs and slaps his knee.  “Fine as a frog’s hair…?”

“Oh, that,” I say, smiling slightly, too. “I picked it up from an ol’ feller I worked with at my old job. I’ve been saying it ever since.”

Sam is still laughing when he hollers toward the door leading to the back room.  “Bob! Hey, Bob, come here.”

Another clerk emerges from the shadows with a bleary-eyed vacancy. “Huh?” He grunts towards Sam.

“Hey, Bob,” Sam laughs. “Don’t ever ask this woman here how she’s doing, because you know what she’ll say?”

“What?” Bob asks, though I could clearly tell he wasn’t really interested.  He probably wanted to get back to his nap in the back. 

Sam bellows with another belly laugh.. “She’ll tell you she’s fine as a frog’s hair split three ways. You ever heard anything like that, Bob?”

“Uh, no. No, I ain’t never heard nothing like that.” Bob is a lost cause as he turns with a growl and scurries back into the shadows of the other room.

I pay for my coffee and even before the first sip, I realize I’m more awake and amazingly, smiling from ear to ear. I thank Sam and step away from the counter, grinning at the new grumpy customer behind me as I walk to the door.

When I pull it open, I hear Sam calling. “Miss! Hey, miss. . .”

I turn back to his laughter and notice that even Bob has emerged again from his hole with a hint of mirth brightening his face.

“You have a good day, Miss,” Sam says, waving.

“You, too,” I nod back at him. Then I pull my scarf around my ears and step into the cold night.  Sam’s laughter rings behind me, brighter than the sun that has not yet seen fit to rise and greet the day.

(Note: I submitted this story for publication. It was rejected because it wasn't believable, the punchline wasn't funny and it was condescending.  The truth of the matter is, it's almost a true story. Names changed, of course, to protect the innocent.  "Sam" is the regular guy at this place I stop on cold mornings for coffee.  He and his co-worker work the night shift; anyone who works the night shift knows you can be vacant and dim at times. I've been there and done it, so I know.  The first time I said "fine as a frog's hair split three ways" to "Sam",  the scenario unfolded exactly as I've related it above. It's not condescending, though I suppose I can see how it sounds that way. "Sam" is a friendly acquaintance who battled cancer and won.  This is me and the life around me. Simple amusements sometimes, yes, but also sometimes utterly profound. Sometimes, you just have to find a reason to smile. So, for better or for worse, I present it here for your reading pleasure. Take it as you will.)